Here is a window into my past
offering raw and unfiltered entries from journals that have been my silent companions through some of life’s most complex chapters. These reflections are steeped in struggles I faced in those moments- the doubts, the heartbreaks, and the hopes that seemed out of reach.
Through these entries, you’ll trace the journey of how those challenges shaped the person I am today. It’s not a story of complete transformation but of incremental growth, where I continue to revisit lessons, begin again when needed, and build strength from the foundation of what I’ve already overcome.
This is a space to honor the process—where vulnerability meets resilience—and to find joy, solitude, and meaning in both the trials and triumphs of life’s labyrinth.
The beginning of 1 of 365. I picked you up 2 days ago because I want to go on a new journey and I needed a new friend to come along. I hope you are just as excited for these new experiences. I hope this year I can focus on self improvement in all ways. Meeting new people, perfecting my hobbies, setting clear goals and listening to my own advice. Loving myself the way I expect others to love me. This is the year of truth. Every day once a day I promise to share my interactions out in this world with you. We will discuss my dreams, worries, fears, mistakes, blessings, accomplishments, friends, foes, enemies together. We will learn to love each other through all disagreements and hurdles and most importantly learn from the rocks in the road from which I’ve tripped. I’m sorry, I’m clearly rude because I never introduced myself. My name is Fierce Rebel. I am 29 years old and I Iive in a small first floor duplex apartment, I drive a black 2010 ford fusion, weigh about 220pds and I’m a Virgo!!! Which let me just say is is some pretty cool shit to be, but also due to some mental complications it comes along with, kinda makes me go crazy at times. On top of how I was raised, childhood mixed with becoming an adult and having a clearly unsuccessful transition; I’m kind of skitzo. Lol! Don’t judge me. At times I feel like I’m a little 19 yr old girl who’s body is aging and I can’t keep up with her. I also feel at times like I’m 2 different people on the inside and we can’t seem to stay on the same page, never listen to each other and its a constant battle. Now how do I sound? Nutz right? My thoughts exactly! And people ask me why am I sad sometimes, imagine trying to explain this shit without leaving out in a straight jacket. That’s why I just keep it to myself but not really because she’s in there listening to everything I say and I make her sad, which makes me feel sad. So I’m tryna get us on the same page this year. Like same paragragh, same sentence, same letter, same word. So we can be happy. But you will see first hand if that works out and help us along the way. We have a better understanding when we can read what we think, kinda helps us put shit into perspective. I also have 2 cats, Princess and the other has no name because I got him off the street about a month ago and I can’t quite settle on his personality traits and looks enough for a name. But I love him the same and most times he’s by my side so I rarely have to call him. No man, although I’m fucking 2 but neither wanna really be with me. No kids but my period is 2 wks late and if I’m pregnant I won’t know for sure who the pappy is. So you see now why me & gf has to get it together? And we will!!!Just hopefully not with a baby involved. let’s just wait and see, mother nature might not had wanted to visit on the last month of the year. I work a dead end job, need to find a new one. I have 3 interviews this week so wish me luck! I’m about to take it down though. We shall talk tomorrow. Good night xoxo
– Fierce Rebel
Hello there! How are you today? I’m much better now. Just got finished saging my apartment, praying, and I finally cleaned up and organized a little. Now I’m sitting in a candlelit living room writing to you. Hopefully after I will play my guitar and my fingers will allow me to play myself some beautiful tunes. So I was thinking about being celibate this year. I believe it’s very needed for me to get further on this quest of self love and respect. We shall see how well it works but hey, we are on the 2nd day of the year and no sex so its hope for me. I need to lay off the drinks and smokes also. I just need some fucking clarity. But from now on I’m only allowing positive thoughts around these parts so if I pick this bitch up with the negativity pen and drip that shit in here, you have full permission to smack me and bring me back to life. I just want to be loved and appreciated for me but that starts with self. So maybe I shouldn’t masturbate either just to reallllllyyy be celibate. Lol! I mean, it’s a good thought. I’m about to read a book. Ttyl!
-Fierce Rebel
Day 5 of 365. I’m sitting at my job thinking about the future. Knowing I’m more than the person I’m exerting at this very moment. For the past few days I’ve been reading 2 different books, one called “the secret” and the other is called “the alchemist”. Both are talking about thoughts and perceptions. Last year especially towards the end I was in a very negative mind frame. Always focusing on the bad so the worst continued and although nothing dramatically bad happened, my mental space was always below the negative. The Secret tells you that your thoughts and feeling are to sides to the same coin. When one is sad the other follows. Good & bad cannot occupy the same space. This year I will accomplish the most important goal to me, one worth more than any money can buy. I am going to love myself in ways I expect others to. Treat me better than anyone ever could. I’m going to speak light and positivity into my life even when the tunnel looks dim and trust al of my intuitions. I will not let my job, friends, males dictate my feelings & thoughts. Every negative action will get a positive response from me. I will love others in ways they have never been, with all my genuine heart has to offer. It’s one thing I know is true and that is Love Conquers ALL! If I take a long dep look into the world it will make me forget that very thing and that’s because people lack genuine love in their lives. Some have never experienced it so they don’t now how to give or receive. But I ask of the universe to provide the light in their dim tunnels. As I love myself more I will love others. The sadness stops here. I look around and see these walls that I’ve created with my emotions of self doubt. I refuse to let them swallow me up in this cage any farther. When I look in the mirror I’m going to lover very ripple, dent, and bulge I see. This is me and I’m beautiful in more ways than one. It’s crazy because having all this technology along with society in your face 24/7 makes you question all of your natural being. Half of the world is trying to chase fakeness, no one is happy with being original. Everyone is consumed with looking like barbies and chasing money even if it means loosing themselves. I will not let this world suck me into the bullshit bubble. On another note such a coincidence I just got a phone call from this guy that is apart of this company I started about 4 months ago. It’s an insurance agency. I studied to get my life insurance license and even passed my pre- license exam. Although I never booked the actual test which I plan to do this year also.
Plans for 2017- Year of Greatness
- Get life & health license
- Meet new great people
- Get better at painting and guitar
- Go on 3 vacations, on tropical place
- Lose weight- Goal 150-160 pds
- Build vocabulary
- Receiveand save large sums of $$$
- Read 100 books all of substance
- Get back into writing poetry
- Conquer the power of my thoughts
- Be positive and light amongst the darkness.
-Fierce Rebel
I want to fall in love with being lonely until somone comes along worthy enough to crowd our space. I’m sitting at work just thinking. They don’t want me to read or write but fuck what they say! I feel like I’m on the brim of a psychotic breack down so I think they would rather me do one or the other. So anyway for sure for sure I am going to be abstinent this year and dive head first into myself. Depending on these men for some dick and support, let alone money and time is an epic fail waiting to happen. I’m so tired of feeling sad it’s been my state for so long. I have an interview for the tomorrow, wish me luck. I don’t even know what it’s for but I hope it pays more and has a great atmosphere. I need to clean my car out and pay my care note. For the next couple of months I’m going to solely focus on bills. No going out, no buying random shit. No hanging out with people of no substance and having useless conversations. This is focus time. I want so badly to just stick to what I want first because that changes quite daily. I still haven’t gotten my period yet. I’m going to give a couple more weeks before I go to the doctor. I did take two pregnancy test and bother were negative. Last time I missed my period and the test was negative the baby was in my tubes. Hopefully that’s not the case this time. Hopefully mother nature is just switching my dates around for me. I can’t wait to clear my household and his belongings. His baby mom texted this morning saying they were getting back together. He texted me saying he needed to talk to me face to face but of course it wouldn’t have been normal if she didn’t beat him to the punch, I’m sure she couldn’t wait. I’m happy for him and her and honestly I wanted him to leave. But I still feel used and lied to but hey.. it wouldn’t be the first time. Thank God I wasn’t in love or let him sway my mind into really believing he cared about me. I just want everyone to leave me alone. I need to get back to the center of things. I’m going to start playing my guitar. I need an escape! I pressed out my hair, I kinda hate it but I need to just stare at myself in the mirror and pick out all the awesome features.
Love,
Fierce Rebel
Hey you, sorry about my absence. I’ve been at work and they been hating on our interactions, they jealous or whateva.. lol! Mad because I got my own personal ear and outlet. Anyway, Ryan is officially out of my life. I put him and his bitter ass baby mom on the block list and this time they not getting off. I’ve been putting in lots of app so God willing by next month I will be signing on to a new job. Also one of my coworkers told me about an open apartment in her duplex. I didn’t see the actual space but I’ve seen her place and it’s pretty spacious and it’s seems like a nice block it’s located on. Fingers crossed. I feel like a shift is in the atmosphere for sure soooo, I’m going to keep claiming it and believing it’s already done. Money is the main focus right now. I’m behind on my bills and once this money starts flowing in I’m taking care of those first. This is the year of responsibility and behaving like an adult. I want to make my parents proud. My battery died yesterday and I had to leave my car at their house. My dad dropped me off and picked me up this morning. Called AAA and when they came and checked my battery it was very low on juice. The guy told us I needed a new battery and my dad told them to replace it. Just like that it was done. My parents always help me out and I’m overwhelmed with gratefulness. They getting so old, I want to repay them before it’s too late. I am extremely blessed to have them in my life. After getting grown now, I see how other people have been less fortunate, they can’t depend on their parents for much. Even when they were kids, it wasn’t much different and most only have one. Because of them I will be an awesome parent. God willing. I’ll have some babies eventually. I’m just trying to maintain positivity and believe in God & the Universe, be clear about what I want, and keep tunnel vision until I achieve it. Trump is in office now which is a little scary, it’s crazy because these times will certainly be talked about in history. Shit seems like a game or movie. How did a man with no qualifications and diminishing brain cells even get the position of the PRESIDENT?! This is what I’ve realized tho, you can be smart, a better leader, have all the will power and motivation to change the world but the one who has no cares, no work ethic, usually evil as fuck gets the position and all the respect. That’s the fucked up thing about the world, stresses me out and almost makes me lose hope. But I’m not going to let this crazy world conquer my spirit. I was born for a reason with my divine spirit, awesome way of thinking, and beautiful personality. I gotta find more like minded individuals so we can raise the vibrations around this bitch. When I get my next paycheck I’m going to this guy called Dr. Fisher. He’s like the Guru for weight loss. My girlfriend has been taking his product for only 2 weeks and looks fucking awesome. Even when she was thicker, she was still cute tho. But if I have the same results, that confidence boost will really go a long way. I can’t wait to look in the mirror and feel sexy AF. Anyway until later… Love always
Fierce Rebel